Alert! Bacon catastrophe

Listen up, people. This is serious. The drought may have messed with your yard and killed your pansies, but now there is a much more severe consequence. Agricultural experts are predicting a bacon shortage.

This, of course, will have a profound impact on one of the nation’s premiere pork events, Bacon Wednesday at the Community Resource Center. By the way, I haven’t told Betsy yet. Don’t spill the beans. I’m going to have to sedate her before I break the news.

Why are we going to have a bacon shortage? Corn. It’s what pigs eat and corn just took a beating this summer. Less corn = less pigs. And less pigs = less bacon. There are other realms that will also be profoundly affected. Like your BBQ? Eat up, folks. There will be less of that, too. And ribs? Only two sets to a pig and there won’t be many of them to go around come summer of 2013. But, let’s face it, bacon is the real killer. Oh, sausage. Forgot about sausage. This is really catastrophic.

Of course, there will be those who prey on the weak and disenfranchised. I am speaking, of course, of the  turkey bacon producers. They will try to tell you it tastes just like bacon. It does not. It in no way resembles bacon in the slightest. But we may have to close our eyes, shut our noses and pretend.

So I am issuing an emergency request to Oscar Meyer, Benton’s, Wright’s and Niman Ranch (especially for your apple-smoked bacon) to immediately donate bulk quantities of bacon to the Community Resource Center. Please do not alert our nonprofit partners about this donation. Betsy and I will take care of it. Maybe. NOT.

Alert! Bacon catastrophe

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